In America, Man Marries Pig!


Freetown  12/12/25

In a groundbreaking development, a man has legally married a pig in the United States of America. The union took place in the state of California, home to many revolutionary social developments. The ceremony was officiated by a minister from the Blessed Renewal Ministries, an Episcopal sect.


Meanwhile, in a related development, the US Supreme Court has backed the union. In a landmark ruling it has determined that as long as the partnership can be shown to be consensual the couple have a right to marry. Lawyers for the couple had argued that the pig had shown its genuine love and affection for the man in a multitude of ways. When the ruling was announced they hailed it as a milestone in human rights law. The justices were able to circumvent the thorny issue of property rights within the marriage by determining that the pig could have a court-appointed attorney to represent it should a divorce ever be contemplated.


Meanwhile dog lovers are now clamoring for equal rights, as this ruling is thought to be narrowly applicable to pigs. The number of dog lovers in the United States is known to greatly exceed the number of pig lovers, and it is unclear  how much this has influenced the justices, as in the past they have been suspected of aligning their constitutional interpretations with public opinion.  Dog lovers are politically active and have formed themselves into an influential lobby on Capitol Hill. In tight elections in key swing states they now hold a balance of power.


Meanwhile, in a top-secret program, US researchers, with funding from the US government are said to be working furiously to perfect a technique to produce offspring from the new types of union now emerging in America. The matter is thought to be one of utmost national security, as without offspring from these burgeoning new partnerships, the American state would be in danger of inward collapse. The new offspring are also said to have important military applications in the assymetrical covert wars in which the United States is now embroiled.


The US President, in his recent trip to Africa, took his message of non-discrimination to the continent. The President pointed out to his counterparts that dog-lovers and pig-lovers all have their legitimate fundamental rights and that even if one regards dogs and pigs as animals, there is the important issue of prevention of cruelty to animals. He lectured that the important issue was that no one was harmed by these unions and the overriding issues of human rights and personal freedoms must be respected. He was reportedly treated with some skepticism by his fellow Presidents. When he met with a group of pressmen in Freetown he was asked whether, in the light of 2000 years of moral teaching to the contrary he was convinced his position was correct. He replied that he was certain of it. When asked how long he had held these views he replied that t hey were long-held, but he had only decided to reveal them when the polls in America turned in this direction. When asked if he should be urging these issues on Africa even when large numbers in his own country disagree with them he replied that it was his duty to promote stands taken on issues of principle. When asked whether his opinions were at all coloured by personal experience with the matters at hand, he declined to comment.